Lose Weight Before You Date? Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That

If you’re holding off on dating until you’ve lost the weight,

bought better clothes, or are a brilliant future version of

yourself, you’ve set the worst goal ever. Because it’s not a goal.

It’s a slippery slope defined by — what? An arbitrary number on

the scale? The day your bangs grow out? Until you’ve achieved

an unassailable state of self-love?

source

In the immortal words of Sweet Brown, ain’t nobody got

time for that.

You’re not an Apple product set to launch sometime next year.

You may think you’ll be shinier, cooler, or more desirable in the

future, but really what you’re saying is that you don’t think

anyone could like you now. You think you’re planning. But you’re

really just procrastinating.

A woman named Jen wrote to ask me if she should stop dating

until she achieved her goal weight. She was admittedly on the

heavy side but had never kept it a secret or masked it in her

online profile. She didn’t mince words, and neither did some

of her respondents. She got some messages and went on a few

dates, but a few of the men she met would be more interested,

they said, if she’d been a few pounds lighter.

I’m sure that wasn’t easy to hear. In fact, ouch. She was ready to quit

until she could wear a size 6. She was already taking strides to live

healthier, and she figured she’d just... wait.

But I told her no. Here’s why: Because if she waited for this, she’d likely

come up with another excuse later for deferring. I reminded her that

there is no set height and weight requirement here. It’s dating. Not

the fucking Rockettes.

Does that mean she should abandon her weight loss goal? Nope. But her

efforts to change her life and body are not mutually exclusive from efforts

to meet people, nor do they have to be sequential.

source

In other words, there is no official start date. Dating is

a process and it’s ongoing, and there’s no better time

to start than now. No matter what size you are.

The idea that you should “work on yourself” before you

start dating is what I call living in the future perfect tense.

Tense being the operative word here. This notion that

you’ll be perfect in the future is crazy — and confers a ton

of pressure on you to be the perfect weight, to look a

certain way, before you endeavor to connect with another

person.

Then, when the Future Perfect You — ideal weight, great

haircut, designer jeans — steps out for the first time and

gets rejected (which happens to EVERYONE, by the way),

what then? It’ll hurt even more because you’ll think, “If no

one wants me now, after all this, how could anyone ever?”

My advice to Jen was to keep doing what she was doing:

Staying active, eating well, and reaching out, setting up

dates, meeting people wherever she goes. The best

relationships in the world must grow and evolve — they

don’t start and remain perfect. The same goes for you

and your relationship with yourself. Embrace the process

of growth and change with a forgiving spirit and you set

the stage not just for personal satisfaction, but for the

kind of intimate relationship that can evolve along with you.

Source